Bearshorty's musings

So I guess I'm completely weaning. We are at my parents' house this week (we came on Tuesday evening and are staying until Saturday. I'm taking an Express Bus to work from here. My parents took the girls to the zoo yesterday). I was going to cut off the night feeding on Friday night since three years ago with Tanya she cried for one night, but then was fine, and I didn't want to do that on a work night. But last night my Mom told Olivia that I don't have any more milk. I couldn't contradict her after that since kids need consistency so I guess that was it. No more nursing for Olivia. And my Mom has a point that it will take a few nights so we might as well.

I was able to rock her to sleep by 9pm, and put her in the crib on the 3rd try (she was falling asleep on me but as soon as I put her in the crib, she would start crying). She slept until 10:44pm and then woke up. Basically she and I ended up sleeping on the couch together from 12:30am to 6:20am. She had some water. Refused the crib or someone else to hold her. We have to work on settling by herself in the crib. First she has to accept that there is more milk to sooth herself. And now that we did one night, I know I won't back down. My boobs are going to be super uncomfortable for the next two weeks but then I will get my body to myself again. Poor baby though. But I know she will adjust by next week. We'll see how tonight goes. And it will be better for her in the long run and finally, hopefully, sleeping overnight.

I keep reminding myself that I need to be patient with myself. That postpartum recovery will happen with time and it's only been a week. But I just want to get over this phase of stitches and lochia and engorgement. It was my least favorite part last time and I can't wait to get to normal again. But again, it is easier this time - I can walk normally, unlike last time, and I'm not as stressed about baby care. I can change diapers and she's eating and doing normal baby things. I even sleep a tiny bit more than I did with Tanya. First week with Tanya I could barely sleep. I still get frustrated and feel totally useless when I can't get the baby to sleep easily, but Olivia actually sleeps a lot, much more than Tanya did. And she is eating well. I, thankfully, have enough milk - too much even. (She eats differently than Tanya did. Tanya would eat efficiently in one feeding and not ask for more until a few hours later. Olivia eats in 2-3 stages. She eats, gets tired, burps and asks for seconds. I wonder if this will be reflected in how they eat.) So I need to remind myself to be patient and be in the moment.

What complicated this week is that Tanya got a cold, which became apparent on Wednesday morning. It's tapering off, so hopefully we can get to relatively normal tomorrow. But she is not allowed in my room where the baby is or where she can snuggle with me like she likes in the mornings. Which is very frustrating and upsetting for everyone because Tanya just wants to see the baby and pet the baby and hug my hair. And I want to encourage her bonding with her sister. The good thing is Bear is home this week, so at least she gets a lot of Papa attention and it is less miserable that it could be for her. And I was frustrated a bit because I can't exactly comfort her or snuggle with her because I had to be careful not to catch it since I need to care for the baby. At least I actually gave her breakfast and lunch today. Hopefully, snuggles tomorrow.

On Wednesday, Bear and I also took Olivia to the pediatrician for the first visit - and first vaccine. There is still a little jaundice that we have to watch out for but she's eating and peeing well, so it should clear by next week. The three of us also managed a nice time outside in the courtyard, taking Olivia out for a nap in the stroller so she could get some sun on her face. That was very nice.

And this morning, while Olivia napped on me, I watched the first episode of the new season of Orange is the New Black. It was ok - I liked it enough, especially conversation between Judy and Sosa, but it's not grabbing me yet. Too much going on. I wonder if the whole season will be just about the riot. We'll see. I'll keep watching when I have a chance. Mainly I just try to nap.

This has probably been the weirdest birthday I've ever had. Mostly because I'm just waiting for my contractions to start and I'm on edge a little bit about it. And I'm not very comfortable sleeping or lying down or anything. I went to the doctor yesterday and he said that I'm basically 3-4cm dilated already so as soon as contractions hit I need to not wait and just get to the hospital immediately and that it can happen at any point now, probably soon. Now, with Tanya I was 2cm dilated for almost a week before I went into labor and he was also saying it could happen at any moment. So it's not unfamiliar situation. But I'm still over analyzing every bodily feeling. Especially as with second kids birth is usually faster and there is a drive to the hospital.

So I'm basically home, on my bed, lounging. My parents are here - my Dad is working from my place, and Tanya is home, of course, while Bear is at work today. He left me presents, which I opened this morning. I couldn't sleep very well, I maybe got 3-4 hours total, waking up often enough, so I was awake since 4:45. Around 6 I decided I could open presents. Bear got me socks with Solar system on them (when Tanya saw them, she insisted she put them on me right away :) ), the Essential Nina Simone CD, a cross stitch kit with a bit polar bear and two cubs, and an Unofficial Harry Potter cookbook (which is basically cookbook of British dishes for American audience, and looks fun).

I got a Kindle book gifts - Bear's parents got me Words Are My Matter by Ursula Le Guin, her non-fiction collection, and Marianna got me My Own Words the autobiography of Ruth Bader Ginsburg, both of which where on my wish list.

And my parents got me a new handbag for work, Calvin Klein, beige, very pretty; Lindt dark chocolate bar with sea salt and The Last Kingdom by Bernard Cornwell.

So lots of new books for me to read. And my parents got a little cake for lunch. I also got some cash from grandparents and Janna. Very quiet, informal birthday, which is a good thing right now. So now I wait.

10. biggest surprises of parenthood -- how has having a child compared to what you thought parenthood would be like? (hamsterwoman.livejournal.com)

I always thought that I would be a parent, mostly in an abstract way. When we were 19 and first talked about kids, Bear wasn't sure about kids at all but I knew I wanted them at some point. (As he got older he came around, obviously). I never really dealt with babies or toddlers at all, so that was all a big mystery to me. I barely held a baby until my friend Marianna had one and even then it was for like a minute. And I was just scared of that stage. I never even thought about what being pregnant would be like. I did always like kids and I worked in summer camps for all three summers of college when I was 19 to 21, first at sleepaway camp and then at day camp. There I dealt with girls aged 7 to 10, so I was always comfortable with that and could picture that age. But I never really deeply thought or fantasized about parenthood, other than abstract, yes I would like kids someday, to have a family. Once in a while I would have most idealic pictures of playing and talking and sharing my love of books. I didn't really have expectations other than what the hell do you do with a baby? Can't they just magically get to be 6?

So a year after we were married and I was 33, it was really time to get pregnant. And I did pretty quickly. My pregnancy gave me all the happy hormones until about month 6, I only started getting nervous then. But there are books, which helped and I had my Mom who came around a lot and helped tremendously. The most terrifying moment was when we came home from the hospital and my parents left in the evening. They were coming back the next morning, but Bear and I were left with this helpless 2 day old baby with no idea of what we were doing. I don't think i slept that night or for that first week.

The biggest surprise so far was just how much I love this little person. Like we made an actual person. Daily life with a baby or toddler can be boring, frustrating, annoying, tedious but then I look at her perfect face and her curiosity or she says something and it's just amazing. She wanted me to climb up the chain ladder at the playground today, and I said I can't and she just tells me "poprobuy" (try). She won't accept, "I can't". It's funny every time. She is just amazing. She didn't sleep through the night for like 13 months, but I was just willing to wake up at night and take care of her. Just that protective/nurturing instinct was surprising.

And I get so proud of all the little things she does. When she was 2 months old, she was lying on her stomach and I held up her toy giraffe and she raised her head super high for the first time. And I got so happy. How happy she makes me when I think of her is definitely was not something I was expecting very much - I was never a super emotional person.

My other surprise, I think, is how much easier it has gotten with every year. She's still very demanding obviously, but I preferred her being 1 to being a baby and I definitely prefer her being 2 to being 1 - I love her talking all the time and her ability to tell me what she wants. I thought terrible twos would be terrible but it hasn't been bad at all. She has occasional tantrum but I usually know the cause and don't overreact. But she's on the good schedule so she doesn't tantrum often. I think because I didn't know what I was doing and nursing for over a year, so having to pump when I was at work, and lack of sleep all that made the first year the hardest. I'm hoping the baby stage will be a little easier with the second one, although there will be two of them and that will take some new skills and I have no clue how to cope with that. But I will learn.

Speaking of the second one, if everything will go well, I will have one in June! I'm pregnant! Just officially entering my second trimester (there is a reason I put this question on this date). The last two months were pretty terrible - so much nauseousness. I basically coped by going to bed with Tanya at 8:30pm and sleeping early to avoid the worst of it. It's easing up during the mornings and days, but evenings are still hard. Hopefully, it should taper off now. I would really like my evenings back. I barely see Bear as it is. I really hope everything works out since I really don't want to be pregnant again. Fingers crossed.

So apparently I'm reading Jonathan Strange and Mr. Norell now. It was a little unplanned. I finished Sacks and was going to start Miss Peregrine's Home for Peculiar Children . But that book was in hard copy and on Friday morning Tanya woke me up early by moving around but then she went back to sleep for another hour. Since I couldn't sleep and only had my Kindle with a flashlight nearby, I figured I would read something. Jonathan Strange is on my "to read" list this year but at 900 something pages it is a little intimidating. Just the time commitment; it's going to take me a while, especially with no commute to read on. But I started it. I had absolutely no idea what this book was about - I vaguely knew it was set in the 19th century. And for some reason my brain associates the title with "Dr Jekyll and Mr Hide." I never even read the cover page for the book description. I know there was a TV miniseries, which I want to eventually see. I avoided pretty much all spoilers. I also know many people really love this book.

I'm on Chapter 5 right now. I like the writing style and the story so far but it is still a little early to get a handle on the characters or the plot. My favorite part so far was the description of what a society party was like - hot and super crowded and superficial in a lot of ways. And Mr. Norell just wants to read his book in the corner. I can relate to that. The book is certainly amusing me right now. I guess this would be my world for at least a month. Maybe longer.

I'm also finally watching Season 9 of "Doctor Who." I saw the first episode the week it aired (and rewatched it today) but wasn't able to see the rest. My Dad just got it for me this week from this Russian website and I can switch the language back into English. So I'm looking forward to that. Maybe to the Christmas Special since I love River.

Yesterday, we all went to visit my grandparents and while we were there my uncle (my Dad's younger brother) came over as well with my aunt and cousin Anna. I saw my uncle and Anna maybe a little over a year ago but my aunt never met Tanya. (They live in New Jersey, more than an hour away and we are not super close). So it was fun to hang out, once Tanya got over the shyness of meeting so many new people all at once.

Today I actually picked up my phone and called people to ask for things. It's not always easy for me to do that. But I really had to call the apartment management person. They sent our our lease renewal last week and effectively raised our rent 5.4%. New York City actually passed a rent freeze - 0% this year but there is a loophole that if the tenant was paying a "preferred rent" and not "legal rent," the landlord could raise it to "legal rent". So it's legal but such a dick move. $80 more a month is not a small sum. And we've been in this place since 2012, paid our rent on time, etc. So I called today to see if there was anything they could do. The manager was actually pretty nice and easy about it. Said she would talk to the owner and call me back in the afternoon. And she did. Our rent would now only go up $30. Still annoying of them to get around the intent of the law but better than before. So yay. And I made sure to reinforce in my mind that it is good to call and ask for things (when I went to therapy one summer when I started to develop travel anxiety, one of the things that stuck with me is the need to reinforce the positives and not just focus on the negatives). I also called a different real estate guy that one of the Moms at the playground recommended, now that we want to start searching for an apartment to buy again.

And tomorrow, Tanya and I are heading with Bear to his parents's house for the week. Bear will be working, fairly late at night too, but at least we would see him in the morning. And Tanya and I will get to hang out with his parents and Tanya will get a chance to practice English more. She speaks more in Russian since she's around me all the time, but when Bear is home she is picking up more English phrases for sure. She was eating something, either strawberry or banana and she told me in Russian "Tanya kushaet bananu" then turned right to Bear and said "Tanya eats banana", translating for him (although he can understand basic Russian and she knows it). She also loves to comment on what she is doing. As she was drinking milk, she said "Tanya pyet moloko" or "Tanya is drinking milk", then when she was done, she said "Tanya popila moloko" or "Tanya drank/finished drinking milk." She also mastered her shape sorter a week ago, a new skill we will show off to grandparents.

It's April 9th and we are wearing winter jackets. It's rainy and might even snow a bit. What is this spring? I suspect it will go from cold straight to hot and humid without the nice, breathy period in between. Well, at least it wasn't raining in the morning so we could go outside a bit.

Of course, I also get extra exercise because our elevator hasn't been working since Wednesday. We live on the fifth floor, which is really the sixth since there is a ground floor with the lobby, so that's a lot of stairs (69, I counted). On top of just walking up and down those stairs I have to carry the stroller and a toddler. Although, sometimes she wants to walk up herself holding on to the railing - she did three floors that way the other day. I kept asking her if she was tired, but she was having fun. Still, to go up and down the stairs, it's bringing down baby for one landing (there are two per floor), go back up, bring down stroller, then next landing. Lots of exercise. I ran into the elevator guy, who was fixing it this morning, and he said that while he fixed the actual elevator, the lobby door is off or stuck or whatever and needs to be taken off and welded, which won't happen until Monday. At least Bear is home now and he can carry everyone down until Tuesday morning.

Bear was away for work since Wednesday afternoon and just got back at 5:45pm tonight, so Tanya and I were just by ourselves on Wednesday night, and then again once I came home on Thursday afternoon. So last 48 hours, it was a lot of Skype to Bear and to my parents to have some adult conversation. Mostly, it's not very exiting. She is playing with a ball more, ever since she watched the Elmo episode with balls, and she has mastered her colors, so she names everything with color now. We had to buy a new ball on Friday since someone took ours on the playground (which is weird since usually people are good about it. maybe it was the cleaning crew who thought it was left behind while we were on the slide?). So in the store Tanya wanted "siniy ball" (blue ball - in her combination of languages). She also saw kids walking the other day and had to point out that they had "zelyenyi boots" (green boots). She's starting to make sentences of three and four words, which is fun to see. We are trying to teach her shapes, since she's not quite there yet.

Other than that, I kind of, accidentally, started watching "The Flash." I wanted something to watch the other day and I was looking around on Netflix and I figured I could watch the pilot. I liked the crossover "Supergirl" episode with the Flash and I like Grant Gustin in general from Glee. So I watched the pilot and liked it a lot, enough to watch two more episodes since then. I like it - it's really good for early episodes, especially Barry and Joe, their acting and their relationship (my favorite thing so far). Of course, there is a big CW quality with people too pretty and too young and too smart for the jobs they have, which makes it hard to buy at times (too few people working on that giant reactor too), but it is charming too. And I can't take Barry's Dad seriously since he was Dawson's Dad on "Dawson's Creek." But I guess I'm watching it now.

I'm procrastinating on grading Paper 2. I signed up for Folder Review for next Thursday to give myself extra time, but it seems my brain still prefers a little pressure and closer deadlines. I have been productive in working on the discussion questions for class and on the midterm question. I also finished reading The Buried Giant. And if I start grading tomorrow with six papers a day, it will be done on time and everything without too much anxiety. But I really should grade now. But, of course, I will procrastinate a little more by writing this blog.

I'm been social over the last couple of days. Even got take out, which is rare lately. On Sunday, Bear, Tanya and I went to visit my friend Marianna and her daughters Galya (4) and Idalia (18 months) in Queens. We just spent a lovely afternoon at her place, watching our kids play, ordering Nepalese food - which for me also included some Miso Soup and Sushi so it was a mix with Japanese, and just generally having a relaxing day. It is really fun watching Tanya and Ida interact. They mostly stare at each other, trying to figure each other out. But they do play near each other and there is interaction. They are two days apart. Ida is taller and much more compact, with more weight on her. And she has a big sister so she is better at interacting with other kids. Tanya is ahead in speech. Both adorable. When we first got there Galya made them hold hands and they did that for a while starring at each other. I told Tanya to pet Ida's hair, and she loved doing that. Marianna told Ida to give Tanya a kiss and a hug, and she did that. Tanya's bewildered face was priceless. And it was great to see how much Galya has grown since I last saw her a months and a half ago. She was more in control in her own space and guided play between all the kids.

Bear also had a chance to show his new virtual reality programs. It's really, really cool. He has headgear and is using a smartphone. He recreated his office at work, his grandmother's house and is working on the creepy program of a person being in a coffin. But it is pretty amazing. I get a little nauseous moving around his grandmother's old house, but it is still ridiculously awesome. He promised me to build a beach scenario where I can just sit and stare at the waves. Since I'm non-visual, with a blind mind's eye - it's called aphantasia apparently - it's the only way I would be able to actually see the beach if I'm not on it.

Speaking of aphantasia, zhelana linked a great article about it. This one. . It was really fun to read and be a little bewildered on how others can't even imagine how we with aphantasia think. It never occurred to me that not seeing Bear's face when he's not around me is a disadvantage. It's not like my feelings for him would disappear if I can't see him. I really enjoyed reading it and then I contacted the scientists running the study on aphantasia at University of Exeter. I was just excited to put my experience and reflections on paper. I first realized I was unusual three years ago. I just didn't realize how rare it is. I got a response the next day and filled out some questionnaires too. Apparently only 2% of population are extreme cases like me. Many others have "weak" inner eye but not totally blank.

My friend Yeva came over yesterday (and we ordered some Uzbekinstani food), and I talked to her about aphantasia. One of the questions on the questionnaire was to count all the windows in the house/apartments and describe how one did it. Yeva could not imagine how I could count all the windows and remember what my bedroom looks like without seeing it in my head. I just do. I know exactly where everything is; I don't actually see it if I'm not there. It turns out that she can also hear sounds and taste things if she thinks about it, like imagining a garden with a waterfall. I can't hear anything that is not real not can I taste something that I'm not eating. I can imagine a garden but not see it nor actually hear the waterfall but I know what it should sound like. I just find all this brain stuff fascinating. But I really didn't realize how rare my blind mind's eyes is. I don't feel deprived or anything though. I never known anything differently. I remember faces and details really well.

Baby is crying. I'm going to go soothe her and take it as a sign that I should go to sleep. She's abetting my procrastination!

( Mad Max: Fury Road )

( TV: Downton Abbey and Sherlock )

I spend most of last week at my parents with Tanya since I had work orientation for two days. We only got home on Saturday morning. The week itself was pretty nice and orientation ended up being very helpful, despite being over two long days. I'm just going to do a short recap of the week. I should really just post more often.

Monday In the morning, Tanya and I went to Tanya's doctor for her last vaccines for a while. The visit actually went very well, no drama. Hopefully, no more visits, fingers crossed, until August. My Mom came over early to cook some soup and pack and as we neared our place, we saw that she was already outside, ready to go. We did have to come back as my Mom forgot her purse but still came to my parents's house pretty quickly.

Tuesday - Tanya started using declensions in Russian! She said, 'idyem babe' 'let's go to grandma' and not just nominitive 'baba' or 'grandma'. She said 'k mame' (to mama) too. I'm continuing to be amazed by how she is learning the language. She repeats after us a lot, and uses both English and Russian. It's really fascinating.

Wednesday - Day 1 of orientation. My Dad drove me in early. I was in the building by 7am (orientation was at 10). So I found an empty classroom, turned on my computer, ate my breakfast while finishing watching the Sherlock special. Then I worked on my syllabi and the online site. The orientation itself was more useful than I thought it would be. It was a recap of pedagogy of the course but the refresher was nice. I got some nice new idea for discussion day and for peer review day. I wanted to shake up my discussion class this semester; last year I felt I was talking too much and needed to get the students to participate more.

Thursday - on Thursday morning, I turned on my phone to watch the Oscar nomination, and as I was setting that up I saw the news bulletin that Alan Rickman died. My first reaction was refusal to believe it, hoping I misread or that it was a prank. I didn't have an emotional connection with David Bowie - I didn't grow up with his music or the movie - so Monday's news wasn't personal, but Alan Rickman was one of my favorite actors. I own Sense and Sensibility, Galaxy Quest, Dogma and Love Actually DVDs and Bear had all Harry Potters. My Dad has Die Hard. Alan Rickman was just such a presence. I kerp getting sad every time I catch my Snape mug with his image on my bookshelf.

On Thursday I also got myself some new slippers on sale, more food for Tanya at baby R US and some more milk for her.

Friday - Day 2 of orientation. I had to work on Assignment questions in the morning and also turned on my contract. We also worked on the grading criteria and later practice graded some papers to make sure everyone was grading on the same rubric. The best part of orientation was seeing some of my work friends, like Rosemary, and meeting new teachers too. There was lovely conversation at lunch about both work stuff and just regular TV, books, politics, life stuff. I'm also turning into one of those parents apparently who offers advice to expectant parents. I should stop that.

Saturday - back home, mostly a quiet day. I did take a walk to the library in the afternoon, for the first time in years (I've mostly been using their ebook feature and borrowing books for my Kindle) so I could renew my library card. And as soon as I stepped outside once I renewed the card, I took out my phone and put the 3rd Robert Galbraith book on hold. Technology is awesome. I then walked quite a way to the playground to join Bear and Tanya. So I ended up getting some walking exercise too.

In the evening, Bear and I started watching "Mad Max". I'm savoring this sudden ability in the last month to have free time in the evening and watching movies or reading. Tanya is finally staying asleep, most of the time after she falls asleep. Now that the semester is starting that time will be spent grading but still, time I will have. Yay. Why is my body and brain telling me to have another baby again and have erratic sleep again? (We are still thinking about having another but I'm starting to get a bit of baby fever -which I did not have when we were planning Tanya, but appently I do now. Still, brain, think of sleeping).

Sunday - I made pea soup in the morning and then walked to the local kosher butcher store to get some hot dogs and buns (I made them for dinner). I also went to a bunch of little stores including a Chinese bakery and a regular bakery. We got the first real snow of the winter in the afternoon. So quiet day. We finished the movie in the evening.

We are visiting Bear's parents today since it's a work holiday. Tanya is napping and I can finally catch up on the blog. I'm also reading three books now (Bechdel, 9th Tomek book and Purgatory), so I will probably read one of those now. It's really cold outside, 25F or -4 C, and it snowed a little this morning. There is finally winter. Some tea and a book sound just about right.

I can never sleep properly before the first day of school. I'm not nervous about work or meeting new students. I think my brain is just trying to make sure that I'm not late and that I prepared all my first day handouts.

My parents came over last evening and stayed overnight since I had to leave by 6:30 and my Mom is watching Tanya. Bear is away until Saturday afternoon. She roped my Dad into working from my place (his work allows occasional work from home days) so he could help out too when he wasn't working. They are also leaving for a vacation in Aruba tomorrow for 10 days, so both were looking forward to spending time with their granddaughter.

I made sure to say goodbye to Tanya before I left because that is a better option that just disappearing on her. She's been waking up between 6 and 7 lately anyway, so I didn't really wake her up. No crying - pretty successful exit.

My commute is pretty long. I need to take a subway and a train. Since I only have to travel twice a week and I can get a lot of work done on the way, I don't really mind it too much, especially in the morning. I got the luxury of reading my book for a few hours. The beginning of the semester, before the grading starts in earnest is pretty nice. Most of my planning handouts are ready and I can read for pleasure guilt free.

I stopped by the corner store to get my bagel with cream cheese, which I eat later when I get on the train and caught the subway. I saw a very gorgeous sunrise this morning. The subway travels above ground for the while and the window across from me was bright pink with the sun disk all dimmed and slightly yellow. Very lovely.

I was reading On the Move , the autobiography by Oliver Sacks. Since his death on Sunday I just wanted to get started on it. I just finished reading Roadside Picnic by Strugatsky brothers, so the timing was right. (I'm still working on the Hamilton biography but that book is long, so I will break it with other books. And I usually read two or three books at a time). I'm almost 100 pages into the book - I read the first three chapters. I find it interesting that he doesn't really discuss his childhood. He starts as a teenager getting his first motorcycle. As motorcycle enthusiast, it is a major part of his identity, so I understand his choice. It is just unusual not to have a general run through of dates/parents/siblings/childhood memories. Some details make their way through the narrative as he goes along but mostly, the early chapters are his late teens/20s - college/medical school/travels. Some of his other books (I read 2 so far - Mind's Eye and An Anthropologist on Mars ) have autobiographical details, especially Mind's Eye which deals with his eye cancer and perception. But those focus more on his later life. This autobiography is definitely surprising in details about his youth like motorcycles or weight training. And there are his travel letters and accounts which are an entertaining read. I'm definitely enjoying the book so far.

I also listened to my iPod when not reading a book. I haven't recharged it in a month I think - there was just no time with looking after Tanya all the time. We listen to the radio at home or to CDs. (On Tuesday, Tanya rummaged through Bear's CDs, found a CD of sci-fi music from movies and TV and dragged it to the living room. So I put it on. She didn't care for early tracks like Twilight Zone but when I put in Halloween, she just started dancing to the scary horror movie music. It was hysterical). Last week, in anticipation of listening to my music again, I made a Favorite Broadway playlist - taking two tracks from all the musicals I have. I wanted to just have one favorite track per musical but that was too hard. Even two was hard but I stuck through it. My 'flaw' in this playlist was adding songs from Buffy Musical - now I just want to rewatch the whole episode (I picked Rest in Peace and Standing), which will lead to watching more Buffy episodes. Other musicals included Aida, Anything Goes, Avenue Q, Jesus Christ Superstar, Les Miserables, Cabaret, Hedwig, If/Then, Into the Woods, Once, Rent, Buffy and Rocky Horror. I should probably add Dr. Horrible.

I got some time in the morning before my classes started, since there was no office hour today. I had to print and photocopy syllabi, reading guides, rosters, writing samples and a lot of paperwork. I also put together the first assignment question. We are starting with Jane Goodall's reading again "In the Forest of Gombe" but I am asking them to see the drawbacks to some of her concepts. New approach. Maybe I can teach some critical thinking!

First class is really easy. I talk about the syllabus and class requirements and then the students write a writing sample. During that time I reread the first essay and prepped my discussion question for next week during the first section and read the writing samples from the first section in my second one. (I teach two sections of Basic Composition). My second section filled up - so it has good number of students. I don't have to worry about cancellation, which is a relief.

After my classes, I stopped by the department and said hello to more colleagues I haven't seen all summer and then started making my way home.

It was very hot today and the subway station tried to boil us all alive, I think. It was so hot with no air conditioner. It was a relief when a train pulled up.

Good first day overall. Now I'm home alone with Tanya for 48 hours before Bear comes back. Then we will travel to Long Island for Labor Day weekend. So still a bit of vacation left before the semester really starts.

On exciting front, Tanya is starting to be braver in walking. Lately she's been holding on to just one hand, but yesterday she did a few steps by herself if I let go her hand several times and even started walking by herself from a standing position. Just a few steps but very exciting.

And in TMI, I really hope my body gets the message soon that I weaned and haven't nursed her for over a week now. My boobs are very uncomfortable. No one tells you these things. It's like postpartum. It sucks but no one really mentions the details beforehand.

And in exciting news my friend Janna is pregnant with her second baby. The first one is turning 2 in a month. I probably won't have the time but I found the birth record cross stitch kit anyway to try to make it for the baby. I'm trying to be optimistic about having the time to cross stitch again. Last time I make anything was Tanya's birth record, just before she was born.

Today my daughter turned one year old!

I can't believe it's been a year already since she was born. On one hand, it seems like I just went into labor and, on the other hand, this year was pretty slow with all the changes. It is certainly an adventure.

Last night, Bear decorated the living room with a few banners and some ballons and I made blueberry cheesecake for today since I figured she can easily actually eat it.

When Tanya woke up this morning, Bear brought over a yellow baloon which she loved and then after her milk breakfast she went into the living room and saw all the decorations and was looking around in amazement. We gave her our present of Mega Blocks to open. She was actually really playing with them, putting them together and apart.

Bear then had to go to work but my parents came over pretty soon after. My Dad took a day off. I was eating my breakfast and giving her cheese and blueberries (she likes to have something from my plate when I'm eating, so I prepare extra for her) when they came with 5 fancy balloons and two big bags of presents.

She loved it all. They got her two books, big spinning top (yula), a music box, a xylophone and a doll stroller. My friend Janna got her a wooden box with different blocks where you have to match a shape, and Bear's godmother sent along a baby toothbrush, baby toothpaste and DVDs (which we won't show her for a while since we have no TV for baby policy). Bear's Mom sent a baby purse by mail which arrived this afternoon with more presents to come when we go there in couple of weeks. Big bounty for a little baby.

My parents took her outside to play and nap before the heatwave arrived -it will be really really hot all week. Meanwhile I had time to cook. I made kotlety (cutlets) and a veggie stir fry with eggplant and zucchini.

Later my Dad went to a Japanese restaurant they wanted to try and brought back lots of sushi rolls, mostly tuna, salmon and eel. I haven't had sushi in so long! It was super delicious. And after 3pm we had the blueberry cheesecake, which turned out well if just a little rich. Tanya had a few spoons of it too and seemed to really like it. We had a candle to blow out and everything. A very proper birthday.

When I was younger, I never thought of myself as a person who would make a homemade cake for my kid's birthday. I guess I'm following in the tradition of women in my family after all.

We gave Tanya cow milk to try today. She didn't like it much, which is normal. We will keep trying. I'll try mixing with my milk tomorrow. I want to wean her by September.

My parents left after 4:30 and we went outside just a bit despite the heat but didn't stay out long. Bear was home by 5:20 today and he Skyped with his parents so they could wish Tanya a happy birthday too.

And right before bed we tried our new toothbrush for the first time. Her top two teeth are finally coming out. It was a big day. She went to sleep pretty quickly after storytime.

I think her birthday was more fun for me than my own. I was reading a few entries in my journal today from when she was born -that was a bit amusing. I'm glad I'm writing things down.