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I think I jinxed myself yesterday morning by thinking that taking care of a baby was much less stressful than I remembered and that the biggest issue was Tanya acting out more. Tanya is almost three and I'm sure she's also jealous of the time I spend on the baby, so she's having more tantrums and more not listening, and being generally stubborn. You tell her not to do something, she's does it deliberately and on purpose. Yesterday morning she was driving both me and my Mom nuts. Olivia, on the other hand, has been sleeping a lot and been generally a good baby. I do have to wake up three times a night to feed her, but she eats quickly and that's pretty normal baby stuff. (And I was terrified being alone with Tanya even when she was like a month, and I'm fine being with a tiny baby now, because I do know what to expect).

But I jinxed it because yesterday, Olivia got gas pains a lot, was crying much more and generally just wanted to be held and to nap on me and not in the crib or the little co-sleeper I use for the first month. So I was basically holding her all day and was trying to soothe her in the evening while she looked like she was in pain, which made me want to cry too. She cried for maybe 5 minutes straight, but that was long enough for me to be upset about it. She did sleep ok at night, in her co-sleeper, and I was rubbing her tummy more, and this morning, after I changed her diaper and fed her, she even sat quietly in her baby chair in the kitchen for ten minutes while I ate breakfast, but boy, I can't wait for this stage to pass and for her tummy to settle down. She's over 9 pounds already, so hopefully it will be just a few months.

Bear went back to work this past week and my Mom has been coming over every day. Usually I would take Olivia outside to nap in the stroller in the courtyard at least once a day, sometimes twice. I would read my book or chat with neighbors. If my Mom and Tanya stopped by on the way to or from the big playground, Tanya would want to sit on me and play with me more than usual - she is definitely reacting to my focus on the baby. Before she would just tell me to go away more. I do try to play with her when I can. I know it is a big change for her.

Bear's birthday was on Thursday. It was very low key this year. Tanya and I drew him a card and I gave him his presents on Thursday morning. I got him another little drone, a book on Black Holes and DVD of Logan. He saw it in the movie theater but he wanted to own it and I wanted to watch it, so win-win. Tomorrow, Bear is taking Tanya to Long Island for the day to celebrate Father's Day and his birthday (he was born on Father's Day so his family always combined the celebrations) and he will get a proper cake. I will just be home with Olivia all day, since she's too young to travel anywhere and I just want to be home anyway.

I've been watching "Orange is the New Black" Season 5 - an episode a day, pretty much. And Great British Baking Show this morning on PBS app. I'm still reading LeGuin book - I'm up to book reviews section. Mostly I'm just sleepy.

I'm 37. I'm not old.

Friday, June 2nd, 2017 01:03 pm
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This has probably been the weirdest birthday I've ever had. Mostly because I'm just waiting for my contractions to start and I'm on edge a little bit about it. And I'm not very comfortable sleeping or lying down or anything. I went to the doctor yesterday and he said that I'm basically 3-4cm dilated already so as soon as contractions hit I need to not wait and just get to the hospital immediately and that it can happen at any point now, probably soon. Now, with Tanya I was 2cm dilated for almost a week before I went into labor and he was also saying it could happen at any moment. So it's not unfamiliar situation. But I'm still over analyzing every bodily feeling. Especially as with second kids birth is usually faster and there is a drive to the hospital.

So I'm basically home, on my bed, lounging. My parents are here - my Dad is working from my place, and Tanya is home, of course, while Bear is at work today. He left me presents, which I opened this morning. I couldn't sleep very well, I maybe got 3-4 hours total, waking up often enough, so I was awake since 4:45. Around 6 I decided I could open presents. Bear got me socks with Solar system on them (when Tanya saw them, she insisted she put them on me right away :) ), the Essential Nina Simone CD, a cross stitch kit with a bit polar bear and two cubs, and an Unofficial Harry Potter cookbook (which is basically cookbook of British dishes for American audience, and looks fun).

I got a Kindle book gifts - Bear's parents got me Words Are My Matter by Ursula Le Guin, her non-fiction collection, and Marianna got me My Own Words the autobiography of Ruth Bader Ginsburg, both of which where on my wish list.

And my parents got me a new handbag for work, Calvin Klein, beige, very pretty; Lindt dark chocolate bar with sea salt and The Last Kingdom by Bernard Cornwell.

So lots of new books for me to read. And my parents got a little cake for lunch. I also got some cash from grandparents and Janna. Very quiet, informal birthday, which is a good thing right now. So now I wait.

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